Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
