If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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