he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
