Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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