omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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