Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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