he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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