Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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