i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
