I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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