I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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