It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
