Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
