I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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