there's paper in my vomit.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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