I just made out with a guy for $7.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My pussy is not your playground.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
