I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
