youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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