It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
