Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
