Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
