My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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