Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
