A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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