Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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