I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
