i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You were trust falling into bushes
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
