i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
ugly people sure do ruin things
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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