Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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