When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
