They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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