Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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