That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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