Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
