I got chris browned last night
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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