maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
