Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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