Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
This show inspires me to have sex in space
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
