You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
