I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
