Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My feet surprised me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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