I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
