who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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