I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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