They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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