The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
