Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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