I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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