I think I died a long time ago.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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