are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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