I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
