Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
50% drunk capacity currently
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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